Attempt at Perseverance

It has been a long week. A long ass week filled with things I did not want to deal with. It all culminated in a meeting with a company advisor where I suddenly found myself crying to him (literally, tears) about my fears of inadequacy…

Tears? Talking about my fears in life? To a company advisor??? How the hell did I get here?

Today, for the first time in my life, I just wanted to be my age. I didn’t want to be Diana Mayland, MS student, Director of AiB Consulting, Senior Campus Representative for Apple… I just wanted to be Diana Mayland, 22 years old, that one Kappa that loves to have fun. I didn’t want the responsibility of being an adult, and I didn’t want the burden. The pressure finally got to me.

I think sometimes the biggest burdens we bear are the ones we cannot share with others. For example, I’m currently worried about our current resource allocation in my company. I’m also worried that I have an employee that is being insubordinate. I’m also worried that I will end up leading a team filled with people 10 years older than me, and probably male, and they won’t respect me either. I’m also worried that my visionary thinking and dreaming will never amount to anything. I’m also worried that all the innovators and dreamers of the world will never fundamentally change the world. We can all keep picking at this big bureaucracy, but will we ever tear it down?

The point is, it all finally got to me. So when all those little worries finally all start swarming around inside your head, eating away at your optimism and confidence…what do you do? I broke down and cried and made myself a cocktail. The answer of life coaches everywhere would be to persevere.

Okay, yeah, persevere. Sure. Take a deep breath and keep plugging forward. Right yeah simple. Oh wait, no, it isn’t. I’d rather just sit here and pout and further destroy my liver. But of course, the life coaches and Wes Maylands (my dad) of the world would tell me to stop being counter-productive and get over it. Give me a thousand motivational quotes. I will still be pissed off.

So when all the principles you’ve stood for and work you’ve sweat for now seem like a huge waste of time…what do you do? What do you do when you’re fed up with perseverance?

I suppose the only thing to do is keep plugging along and hoping you get over it. I suppose that’s what I’ve always done. But as visionary thinker, when you see a problem, aren’t you supposed to present a change? Rather than just cope?

I’m reading a book entitled Influencer: The Power to Change Anything right now for a class. I’m not in love with it. However, it presents the issue that we as humans are better at coping than at influencing. So I am sick of coping. How can I persevere in an innovative manner that will reduce the recurrence of another mental breakdown within the next month?

I don’t really have a resolution or a word of advice with this post… I just have a lot of questions. All I know is that I do not like my star-filled eyes filled with tears and worry wrinkles. I’m too damn young for that.